Hobbit Musical
by ccgaylord
Summary: Bilbo Baggins's brilliant plan to produce a musical version of his adventures fails in the planning stage because nobody can decide on the style of music to use. Hobbit cast.


**Disclaimer: The rights to this production are not in the public domain and therefore the author does not have access to them.**

**Warning: Intense randomness and some very bad music.**

**This is a Middle EarthTM production.**

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><p>"Ah, finished at last!"<p>

Bilbo Baggins sat back and surveyed his handiwork with satisfaction. _There and Back Again, A Hobbit's Tale_. He laid down his pen with a sigh. It had taken him a long time to finish it and he had only just gotten it done in time. –In time to go on another adventure, that is.

There was a banging and bumping from the hall. That was his young cousin, Frodo, messing about with his things, as usual. Frodo entered the room eating an apple and holding Bilbo's old sword, Sting.

"Frodo, my lad, I've finished my book," said Bilbo, making an attempt to grab Sting before Frodo got fingerprints on the blade.

"Book?" said Frodo. "Yay. I'll read it while I'm waiting for Gandalf."

"Be sure you're back in time for the party," said Bilbo fondly.

He lifted the heavy tome with difficulty and handed it to Frodo.

"Do you know why it took me fifty-six years to finish writing this?" he asked. Since Frodo didn't know anything, he went on without waiting for an answer. "It's because in the beginning I tried to write a musical."

"Why?" asked Frodo.

"Well, it was a good idea, actually," said Bilbo. "Unfortunately I ran into some difficulty."

As Frodo scampered off with the book, Bilbo leaned back in his chair and gave himself up to the enjoyment of old memories.

It all began not long after the adventure occurred, when Bilbo was a much younger hobbit—in fact an entirely different hobbit altogether. It was the first anniversary of the finding of the Arkenstone and they were having a party in Bilbo's parlour to celebrate.

"What's the matter, Bilbo?" asked Gandalf. "You don't seem particularly bucked. At least we brought our own food this time—some of it."

"Nothing's wrong," said Bilbo. "Nothing at all. It's just that I've had an idea."

"A good one?" asked Nori. "More burglary?"

"Yes a good one," said Bilbo. "I've just been thinking that I ought to write a musical of our adventures."

"What a rotten idea," said Bofur. "Your songs are awful."

"They're not as awful as yours," said Bilbo indignantly.

"What exactly do you mean by a 'musical'?" asked Balin.

"A musical," explained Gandalf, "is a story told through song and - occasionally - dance."

"Yes, but we can leave the dance part out," said Bilbo hurriedly.

"That sounds like fun," said Fili. "And I know the perfect song for it - 'Puff the Magic Dragon'."

"You wouldn't even be in it," said Thorin, who liked pricking people's bubbles. "You died."

"So did you," said Gloin. "Let's do it."

"Not so fast," said Gandalf. "An enterprise of this nature requires forethought. It could go on tour and become extremely famous. We wouldn't want to misrepresent anyone."

"Why not?" asked Dori, who had been thinking of combining the parts of Thranduil and Smaug.

"We will have to discuss it at a White Council with the head of my order and Lady Galadriel," Gandalf continued.

* * *

><p>"I personally vote for heavy metal," said Saruman.<p>

Everyone was gathered at the White Council - everyone, that is, who had had anything to do with the original story of the finding of the arkenstone and the slaying of Smaug. To be sure, Smaug was not there; nor was Azog or Gollum or the Necromancer, none of them having been invited. Radagast was not there either because he had forgotten to come, but no one had really felt his presence to be necessary so they had started the council without him. "He would probably have wanted us to sing something childish anyway," Gandalf had pointed out. "Like 'Ten Green Bottles Hanging on the Wall.'"

Saruman looked around to make sure everyone had heard his suggestion. Gandalf and Galadriel were passing notes mentally and ignoring him as usual. Elrond grimaced.

"Not heavy metal, please," he said. "It gives me a headache."

"You could take an aspirin," said Gloin.

"All right then, you make a suggestion," said Saruman. "Seeing you're so particular."

"Don't ask him; he'll probably suggest an oratorio," said Thranduil drily.

"Well, we all know what _you_ want," said Elrond, with a withering glance at the elvenking.

"I know," said Legolas, interrupting eagerly. "One Direction just released a new single. It's called -"

"Opera," said Gandalf, coming back to the conversation with only half an idea of what they had been saying. "It's the only _proper _way of doing the thing. Madame Butterfly now, has some good songs..."

"Opera gives _me_ a headache," said Saruman.

"Jazz is nice," said Tauriel.

Bilbo, seeing his opinion was not going to be asked, thought it might be best to put it forward before things got out of hand. "I was just going to let you all know what I'd decided," he said, standing up so as to be noticed better.

"_Decided_?" said Gandalf. "Since when did you decide?"

"Well, seeing as I am the hero of the story and as it was my idea in the first place -"

"What?" said Thorin. "Who says you're the hero of this story?"

"Yes, who?" said Saruman. "I'm in it too, you know."

"Just because you wrote the book doesn't make you the hero," said Bard.

"I hope you don't think _you're _the hero of it?" said Thranduil, glaring at Thorin. "You were the villain."

"What?" said Thorin. "Says who?"

"Stop quarreling, you two," said Legolas, smugly confident that _he _was the hero.

"Don't tell me what to do, _son_," said Thranduil.

"Well it was my idea anyway," said Bilbo. "So I just thought I ought to decide..." He went on hurriedly. "My idea's sort of a compromise because I was thinking opera too."

"Yes?" said Gandalf hopefully.

"Yes. Only comic opera. You know, like Gilbert and Sullivan. It was what I wanted when I first came up with the idea."

"Comic nonsense," said Saruman grouchily.

"Bilbo Baggins!" shouted Gandalf. "That's a horrible idea!"

"But it'll be fun," said Bilbo. "And I know a lot of hobbits who would be glad to help produce it."

"We must use music with culture and sophistication," said Galadriel.

"Yes," said Saruman. "After all, we don't want to make ourselves look ridiculous."

"New Age," said Galadriel.

Saruman choked on his beard.

"But my dear," protested Celeborn, "I told you I wanted the Rolling Stones."

"That's even worse," said Gandalf. "Who let him come in?"

"It's not worse," said Saruman.

"Jazz is cultured," said Tauriel hopefully.

"I agree with the culture part," said Thorin. "If we have to make a silly musical, we ought to do it properly and make it like Rogers and Hammerstein."

"That would be boring," said Bard. "Why not use movie scores? Like Pirates of the Caribbean?"

"I second!" said Dwalin. "Only I like Dark Knight."

"Halo!" shouted Fili and Kili.

"I was hoping we could use some Celtic music," said Bofur.

"That's just because you're a leprechaun who got switched at birth," said Bombur, pulling Bofur's oversized hood over his face.

"This council is getting out of control," said Galadriel as the dwarves began an unfriendly wrestling match. "Gandalf! Do something."

"Enough," said Gandalf. "We're not going to use movie scores or Celtic Woman... Or," he added with a keen look at Thranduil, "the Beatles."

"If you don't approve of my tastes," said Thranduil, "why did you invite me to the council in the first place?"

"Aw dad," said Legolas, "that stuff's so bad."

"You have to admit there's something to be said for classical," said Elrond. "It's a little less...intense than opera. And you needn't sing every line."

"Well, that's a plus," said Ori.

"And," added Elrond, "we could use music from Wagner's Ring Cycle and play 'The Ride of the Valkyrie' when Thranduil and the elves rush in to save the day!"

He looked around hopefully but met only cold stares.

"The elves didn't save the day!" said Thorin.

"I wasn't in that part," said Galadriel.

"I hate classical music," said Thranduil.

"If you all keep vetoing every suggestion we'll never get anywhere!" said Bilbo distractedly.

"You didn't like _my_ suggestion," said Thorin. "And it was the best one. So I'll have nothing more to do with it."

"You thought you were the hero anyway," said Thranduil. A short battle commenced between Thorin and the elvenking.

"I don't know why they're behaving so childishly," said Galadriel. "Everyone knows I was the main character."

"I was; I got the girl!" said Kili. Legolas promptly commenced sitting on him.

"Well," said Bilbo, "since nobody will listen to me anyway, I'll go home and make this musical the way it ought to be - performed by hobbits. And just so no one gets confused about who the hero is, I'll call it _The Hobbit_."

"And that's all who will come to see your comic opera," said Gandalf discouragingly.

"I think the best solution would be this," said Balin: "let each character choose his own songs and musical style for himself. It would be a sort of musical montage. That way everyone would be happy."

"Great," said Legolas. "I'll sing Crank That."

"You have to let me have at least one flute solo," insisted Bofur.

Dori poked his head out of a mound of battling dwarves and announced loudly that he wanted country.

"AC/DC," said somebody.

The council turned and saw, with varying degrees of horror, the huge scaly head of Smaug protruding through the doorway.

"You didn't invite me," Smaug observed.

"You're supposed to be dead," said Bard. "Anyway, you're definitely not the hero."

"Why not?" said Smaug. "Why don't we tell this story from my perspective? With AC/DC music."

"I vote Black Sabbath," said a dark and formless shape that had somehow entered with the dragon.

"It's the necromancer," said Gandalf, for the benefit of the audience. "Saruman, tell him to get out of here. He won't listen to me."

"Get out, both of you," said Elrond. "This is my house. How did you get past security, anyway?"

"Why didn't you invite us to the council?" said Smaug. "We have a vested interest too, after all."

"Because we knew your ideas would be terrible," said Gandalf. "And they are."

"I'm not letting Legolas listen to stuff like that," said Thranduil.

"Why not?" said Oin. "It sounds cool."

"This is a MUSICAL!" shouted Gandalf. "Not a rap concert."_  
><em>

"After all," said Bard. "How are you supposed to sing that stuff while you're slaying a dragon?"

"It's background noise for when I'm eating you," said Smaug.

Bard made an attempt to repeat his former success in killing large reptiles.

"Well, while they're busy," Saruman began, "why don't we - good heavens! No. Absolutely not."

Whatever else anyone might have tried to say was drowned out by extremely loud music as several orcs entered with giant stereos on their shoulders.

"Hey," said Azog in Black Speech, "how's this for when the orc army attacks?"

"Turn that down at once!" shouted Elrond.

"You're not allowed in the musical," said Gandalf. "We were planning to use dwarves in make-up for the orcs."

"Discrimination!" Thorin yelled.

"Is that Led Zeppelin?" said Dwalin.

"Whatever it is, I like it," said Oin. "I know, let's use it for the part where we all fall down into Goblin Town."

"What other tracks do you have?" asked several dwarves.

"How's this?" asked Bolg, turning up the sound so high that one of the speakers exploded.

"Bad boy," said Azog, thumping him angrily on the head. "You'll have to pay for that out of your allowance."

"Begone all of you at once," said Galadriel. "There is too much noise here. I can't hear myself think, let alone anyone else."

"Don't make them leave; they're fun," said Ori.

"If you're going to be constantly discriminating against dwarves and other life forms," said Balin solemnly, "then we won't be part of this production."

"I don't want to be in a musical that I have to die in, anyway," said Fili.

"Me neither," said Kili.

"Where are you going?" asked Gandalf as the dwarves and orcs turned to depart.

"Going?" said Dwalin. "We're going to make an orc musical."

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><p>Bilbo sat up in his chair and chuckled. "And that was the last we ever saw of them," he said aloud to nobody in particular. "But not the last we <em>heard<em> by a long shot...not after they released their first album and it was such a hit. Now you can't walk into any grocery store without hearing one of their songs being played. I don't think they ever did make a musical, but it's just as well - their group is far more popular as a heavy metal band.

"Hmmm. I won't be able to buy their next release when it comes out if I go to Rivendell, because Lord Elrond has banned all their albums. Maybe I'd better visit Isengard instead."

...And that is what really became of Thorin's company after the Battle of the Five Armies.

**The End**

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><p><strong>Oin doesn't like quiet, peaceful music of any sort - see Hobbit movie #1. But he likes loud music because it's the only kind he can hear without his ear trumpet.<strong>

**Rumour has it that Legolas, although warned by his father not to, owns some of the band's albums.**

**By the way, the band is called "Arkenstoned" and their albums are available for sale on Anduin .com. T-shirts are also available.**

****(In case you were wondering, the picture is Leonard Nimoy singing "The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins." If you want to go into cardiac arrest, look up the video on YouTube. Just make sure you have a defibrillator handy.)****


End file.
